i was wrong

Amy, if you read this, forgive me. i was wrong.

I used to think my friend, Amy, was overly dramatic. Her dad died last year, and she seemed to wear her emotions on her sleeve - or, rather, her facebook (proverbial collegiate sleeve). Every day was an update on how she was pissed or disappointed or lost or upset or hopeless. I thought to myself, I spent all of high school acting like that - begging for attention. I didn't think it snottily, but with curiosity. Amy doesn't come off dramatic or needy in real life. She is put-together, sophisticated, and incredibly unique. It made me wonder.

I get it now. She seems to be the only one who gets me right now, and the only one who is trying to peel back my emotion and let it all out. The only one who is digging me out of my grave. I never see her and I feel the closest to her. I don't know that she actually is trying harder than anyone, but at least when I see her she seems genuinely concerned.

I'm pissed off a lot because I feel like nobody else is concerned about me, and if they are, they only use a topical treatment on me. Sugary words and pats on the back, and "I know what you mean" comments that are bogus. Last I checked, I only have two friends who don't have a phone number to call when they want to hear their dad's voice. I need someone to hold me down and take a power drill to my chest. I want to fight against the pressure of someone forcing me face my pain and recover. Let me snarl, but don't snarl back - tackle me and scream into my stomach that you love me, even when I'm angry. When my personality disappears into the shell that my body has become, lure me back out - with whatever works. Be persistent!

I'm fighting with you because I have a fight to pick with myself that I'm not ready to face. When you fight back, you don't get me. When you are exasperated with me, it makes my stress double. It's not fair, but I've never been one to fight for fairness. If you want the old Kim back, you'll have to fight for her. I am not even fighting for her. She's disappearing, and someone apathetic and bitter is moving in.

Won't you try harder? I need to be rescued.

I know God is helping me. I just get frustrated when all of God's children leave it all up to him. (I'm being dramatic, but my heart really feels this way.)