One More Night

I finally got some alone time with my dear Amy Schnell. My expert in all things fatherless. Even though I've been frustrated that I haven't had a chance to talk to her until now, it was worth the wait.

The thing about losing a father is, as Amy put it, no matter how hard someone tries to make you feel better and sympathize with you, it doesn't even put a bandaid over the gaping hole in my chest. We want sympathy, but nobody even understands even 1% of how horrible it is to lose your dad. And when people try, it makes us mad. We're stuck. She asked me if it seemed people had already moved on: yes, yes, it seems like people are already acting like I should be over it. I think, maybe, because I acted so 'okay' in Kigali, people must think that I'm super strong and doing fine. Wrong. Talking to my brother and step-mom, we are both just starting to feel like it is hitting us. Amy asked what the first thing is that I think of when I think of my dad: that I didn't give him enough of my attention the last few months. I had a class, and I was working 40 hours, and I told myself I would pay more attention to him after the class was over. The day after the class ended, he was in surgery and I had no idea. I never had a later. I guess that's the way they say it goes.

Since I hope I can come back to this website in ten years and look to it to remember things, I want to be completely honest. Maybe you shouldn't be online, but something else I learned lately, and Amy knows what I'm talking about, is that I don't care a lot anymore. I don't care about the stupid things that don't mean anything, really. Like wearing bras. Or telling someone to shut up or that they are being a bitch. I guess some call that rude, but I think honesty is the best policy, and I don't want to wait until later for someone to know how I feel. I understand what passion is, because I can't feel anything, and then other times, I can't do anything because I am crushed by emotion - you should know, if you want my attention, you have to FIGHT for it. Apathy and dismissiveness and blank stares just piss me off.

I know something else that I don't care about. It's getting married. Right now, I think I would be fine being single the rest of my life. I'm wondering if this is just a sad, lonely phase I'm going through, and it'll go away. But on the other hand, I don't care either way. I've known for a long time that I could handle being single - I'd decided that before I started dating Steven. I love him. He's a good man, and a great boyfriend. But right now, it has nothing to do with him. Right now, I'm bogged down by my own shit and I don't want to pull him down. I see myself pull him down every day. No wonder he doesn't like hanging out with me anymore. Just another reason I wonder if I shouldn't move to Portland in January. I think I could do it. But I musn't be rash.