Starting Over

Over a year ago I posted a blog in which I was under the influence of a few cynical, critical, judgemental people in my life. And I wanted to impress them. So I would often times write things about other people as comical relief. Does that make sense? I would, for example, be writing about how I didn't like a class assignment and add something like, "And Patricia's nasty hair that bugs crawl in and out of doesn't make class any easier." I figured since "Patricia" would never read it anyway, and even if it wasn't true, it wasn't hurting anyone. Call me Harriet the Spy, because basically, like Harriet, I was caught. A year after I had written an aritcle which was mostly about how I wanted some friends from my high school to win Homecoming Queen, I also said who I DIDN'T want to win... and one of those girls found out. I feel just horrible. It actually took me a couple of days to forgive myself. In the process, I quit facebook (which I needed to quit anyway) and deactivated my old blog account. Maybe it was rash, but the way I see it, who knows who else I used as comedic relief? I don't want to hurt anyone like that again.

On the flip side of that coin, I can see how much I have changed since then. I was completely embarassed and enraged with myself when I re-read that old blog where I had thoughtlessly bashed two completely nice and innocent girls from my high school. But I remembered that when I wrote it I didn't even care. I can't even imagine myself doing that now! Someone recently told me that I have changed for the worse over the last year and a half, and I know that it isn't true. God has really opened my eyes to loving everyone - even if I don't agree with them, even if they hurt me in ways nobody has hurt me before. Judgement is reserved for God, and showing people love like his (that is, unconditional love) is reserved for me. I'm really trying. It is actually very amazing, falling in love with people. Even those who hate me.